A constant life learner...
Its a beautiful thing. I'm fueled by learning. It gives me the feed to continue...continue questioning and challenging, doubting and debating, wondering...
At the same time, though, this life learning is simply exhausting. Just when I think I've got a handle on one thing, something else begins to unravel, crumble, fall apart before my eyes. Its maddening!
I want HIM. HE is the only one I can see in my life...the only one I've ever seen.
But this distance...so much of it between us...mountains and oceans and lakes and valleys and rivers...endless space filled with obstacles, tangible and intangible stretching, separating him and I.
BALANCE? ... how?
How when all we have is technology to hold us together. The same technology that I've cursed time and time again for the way its "dehumanized" life, simple interactions, is our fixative. our glue. the only weapon we have to fight this gap.
Is it enough?
HOPE.
thats what it comes down to, for me at least. The hope that at the end of this long, hard road, I'll find HIM. And it will be magic.
BELIEF.
I believe in the fairytale...I believe in it with my whole heart...that HE will do anything...travel any distance...overcome any obstacles..for HER.
Balance?
I'm not perfect, I don't pretend to be. I make stupid mistakes like all other life learners. My mistakes may be different than yours, than HIS, but their mistakes all the same. MY mistakes. I'll own them. Their mine. I'll grow. I'll learn....yes, I'm learning.
Balance is a tricky touchy ticklish bird. One with feathers that turn from red to green to orange to brown..then disappear altogether. How do I find the balance I can't see? When I think I have it, and don't.. realizing I've lost it in that moment when I trip and face-plant--as if shoved from behind, suddenly sent crashing into an acidic gutter, dirty with bitter regret and deplore and self-loath. Small, stupid, insignificant, meaningless mistakes! WHY KIT!? WHY?!?
(deep breath)
The truth is, I have gained a lot of balance in the past few years. But I still have my moments...boooyy do I still have my moments.
Kitty Cloud, over and out.
